With Jesus, it always happened the same way. People liked it as long as they thought it was a trick. He’d gotten pretty used to the script he was supposed to read from at parties and bars, any place people were showing their tricks. It went: Random Guy: “I don’t get it. Where did it […]
Read more "Jesus vs. Alien"As a general process, waking up makes no sense. It’s never that we’ve solved our way out of sleep and the day shows up because our fully alert selves are the final brush stroke it needs. No, we always seem to wake up in the middle of something that’s already going on. We never quite […]
Read more "Waking Up"Look, I can’t make everything about sex okay? I get it. You’d rather be masturbating. I didn’t invent the internet or your genitals so the fact that those two things seem to spend most of their time apart writing love notes to each other is not my problem. There are some things that have to […]
Read more "Your Mom Is An Irrational Number"So I’m thinking about the development of life on Earth and how consciousness is basically a collection of time in a certain place. It’s the kind of thing that sounds right and sounds wrong at the same time. Because you hear it and go: “Well sure. I am the time it takes to be me. […]
Read more "Time Flies When There’s a Hamster Having Fun in You"If I have a talent for something, it seems like it’s pulling big ideas together out of long and layered thoughts. Go figure. Why not pottery? You can sell pots. This is bullshit. Must be nice. This is the one I’ve been working on. It’s a slippery little bugger. Basically I’ve been thinking about mirror […]
Read more "The Great Kiln Collection Drive"Do me a favor. Think about all the situations where you’d realistically find yourself saying the following words: “You know. I thought we were better than this. I really did. Are you gonna make me sit down and hold your hand through every single step of what’s going on here? Jesus Christ you are a […]
Read more "Get Woke or Get Wedgied, Princess Fantastic’s Guide to British Universities"I want to write something explosive. Something that was on the tip of your tongue, a little piece of your soul that rises out of your chest as your eyes move down the page until you stand with this flaming sword of epiphany, this brilliant feat of personal revelation and strike down the obstacles in […]
Read more "Something Explosive"So stay with me here. I think I’ve found the best question of all time. Ready? You think you are but you’re not. I really need you to pouch up on this. I mean if that’s your best ready then I’m about to shove you off the diving board and after you chip one of […]
Read more "Might, Right, Drunk Driving and the Best Question of All Time"You don’t have to go very far to find someone who hates the United States. Chile, Iran, Nicaragua, chances are if your country had some kind of revolution in the last hundred years, we were there and what the people of your country actually wanted had very little to do with whatever designs we set […]
Read more "A Bunch of Nazis Who Were Right"If you were making a list of questions that all felt like the only right way to answer them involved hitting the asker in the face with a pie, then the question: “What is history?” would easily be in the top ten. It’s right up there with stuff like: “Would you like to hear my […]
Read more "A Glutton’s Guide to the Past"
Princess Fantastic 